Lifetime Sucks in the 21st Century

Hi, I'm hardcopy, and I should have never eaten that sushi...urgh...my guts...

My dad likes watching a lot of movies.  Unfortunately a lot of them are on the Lifetime network.  At first I was...questioning a few things about him that I normally shouldn't, but after Lifetime became such a big hit years ago and he started watching it more, I just let it pass.  I was younger at the time so he always changed the channel when something nasty was on because he always felt embarassed by me watching him watch people have "sex" or "affairs".  Then I guess he got comfortable with me when I got older so he just parks his ass on the couch and watches these movies like it's a Honeymooners marathan.   

I let it slide after all the kids I went to school with was laughing at me beacuse I let this whole thing slip up about my father watching this channel.  Eventually I decided to actually watch some of these programs to see what the hell Lifetime is about.  And with no surprise; almost every program was exactly the same.  It was either about rape, murder, affairs, or Date Night with Bruce Willis.  Before I knew it, I was actually enjoying Date Night because Bruce Willis is a mother-, and you shouldn't not watch a movie with Bruce Willis in it. 

During an actual Lifetime original program, which they have a shit load of money to make, my dad would be knock out asleep and it would be me squealing like a little girl whenever something stupid happens.  Damn you, Lifetime.  This is just part of your scheme to trick people into watching and supporting your damn channel. 

And if you have guessed that I'm writing this now because I got scammed into watching at least part of a Lifetime movie because my dad fell asleep and I was too far away from the remote, then yes, I did do just that.  I am very aware of what's going on though, and I would like you all to understand that if you, too, have been a victim of this Lifetime crime, then you are not alone.

How Lifetime Catches You

1) Movies with Bruce Willis

Well ok if I have to be exactly true here, not every well produced movie has Bruce Willis in it.  To be honest he rarely shows up.  But for some reason Date Night is on there a lot along with B movies and sometimes heart warming Christmas themed movies with Dolly Parton.  But I'm going to use Date Night as an example because that was the trap I fell in.  Now we all know my hard on for this guy goes without saying.  And don't ever say it again.  Like Duke, my favorite Christmas movie is Die Hard because of the incredible feeling you get when that guy falls out of the window.  John is a badass that steps on glass for sport.  But when Lifetime airs a good movie, I get the feeling that hey maybe this channel isn't so bad.  And that's when I'm hooked in.

2) Plots are based on a book or a "true life story"

If you actually been in a library and looked around the adult fiction and paperback sections, Nora Roberts' name and face is plastered everywhere.  Oh and there are more like Coulter and Patterson, but a lot of Lifetime movies are based on authors like Roberts.  Their books breed over night.  About every month or so a new book comes out.  A lot have to do with affairs, romance, and some sort of suspense.  And if there isn't enough literature to base something on, then the writers get a wild hair up their asses and decide to do something on a true life story like the Craigslist Killer.  Now to me true life story movies are fine, but something doesn't sit so well with me and these particular movies. 

First of all a lot of the movies come out a little too soon.  The Craigslist Killer for example was happening in 2009, and the movie is being advertised during every Lifetime commercial break.  I haven't checked, but it could have even aired before; I have no clue.  Now I find that really strange because if the production was let's say around a year, that means someone started writing this as soon as the court found this guy guilty.  I mean for someone who did something terrible, do you really have to make a movie to rub it in his face while he's searching into himself and his soul while he's in prison?  And even worse do it a year after?

3) The Same Plots with Random Pretty People

Like I said before, you either watch a movie about rape, murder, affairs, sex, and someone trying to kill a child but the child has good connections or is saved at the very end, but no matter what you watch, the bad guy is always a hunk and the good guy (who is most likely the woman) is hot.  The minor characters are extremely pretty, too, and because America wants it that way, well that's just the way we have to spilt the cake.

The actors the directors find in these movies are pretty good actually, especially the children.  I have no idea how they can find so many.  It looks like every movie has a different set of actors and actresses than the last one, and you never find two similar snowflakes.

How do you stay away from this trap?  Just don't watch Lifetime.  It's hard enough as it is because all their movies are close to being exclusive.  Understand that there are other movies you can watch on any channel, and it doesn't have to be Lifetime.  Unfortunately for me I'm recording a movie called Guilty Hearts as we speak.  So I got a long way to go.  Don't turn into like me.  I'm ashamed to show my face in public.

But if you're into movies like that, then I got a channel for you to watch. And maybe we can get some hot chocolate and discuss your favorite soaps.

PS: I have no idea if An Unfinished Affair is a Lifetime movie, I just put the picture up here because it pretty much proves the points I made earlier.